AN ARMY OF ONE

I was

around 21 years old and as clever as a box of rocks when I voluntarily joined the

United States army on nothing more than a whim and a prayer. My poorly thought out

and ill-advised decision to try and become a soldier and an honorable member of the

United States armed forces, at least outwardly that is, wasn’t something I’d always

dreamed about as a kid nor ever really wanted or needed to do as an adult, though I

foolishly didn’t let it hinder me from blindly and selfishly going ahead and

enlisting. I only did it, as usual, in the hope of impressing a woman for what

seemed like the billionth time in my brief but messed up life.

The year leading up to my

surprise enlistment in the United States army, I had been living with my elderly but

sprightly grandmother inside her smallish, three bedroom ranch house and was

receiving a considerable amount of pressure from my uncle Rick, whom my grandmother

and other relatives highly respected, to do something worthwhile and productive with

my life. Which in return, made me feel like I was being squeezed by him and it was

only a short matter of time before he and the rest of my aunts and uncles kicked me

out of their mother’s house and in all honesty, rightfully so.

In my uncle’s old fashioned

and regimented mind, the armed forces must have seemed like the perfect fit and

marriage for me. Not only would they provide me with free food, clothing, shelter,

healthcare, a career, and a future, but also the discipline and direction I so badly

needed in order to become a responsible, honorable, and law abiding citizen. To

which I was none of these of course, and anytime the armed forces was suggested to

me as a career choice, it served as nothing more than a subtle eviction notice to

me. The whole armed forces thing made me feel unwanted and unloved by my family.

To appease my nosy and ever

prying family about joining the armed forces and more importantly, to get them off

my back, I told them I had enlisted in the United States air force and was going to

become a fighter pilot. My grandmother, God bless her, met my surprise announcement

with an unexpected burst of excitement and enthusiasm along with her standard phrase

of approval, “That’s good for you” as she leaned in to give me a hug. She was so

outwardly excited about my decision to enlist in the air force she began telling

everyone she knew how her grandson was going to be a pilot. It was heartbreaking

having to stand there and watch her demonstrate how I’d be flying a plane through

the air as she used her hands to visualize the image she wanted to convey all the

while smiling and grinning from ear to ear. I was so ashamed of myself for lying to

her and letting her believe everything I told her. I doubt she ever had any idea

just how big of a scumbag her first grandchild had become.

The only problem with my

little declaration, besides it being a total lie, was I didn’t have a plan for

getting out of it. I had failed to think it through to completion, like most of the

bird-brained ideas I’ve had in my life, and only realized the stupidity of my error

when I foolishly immersed myself in numerous and lengthy conversations with my uncle

Rick and my grandmother about my upcoming career in the air force. I knew I needed

more time so I could hopefully regroup and rethink what type of strategy and plan I

would eventually need in order to get myself out of this mess. The extra time I so

badly wanted and sought would allow me to concoct a plausible lie capable enough of

disallowing my entrance into the armed services both in the present and in the

future. But the only thing I could think of on such a short notice, was telling

them I’d be leaving for basic training in approximately a year which would then,

hopefully, give me the extra time I so badly needed and wanted to come up with the

perfect lie, or at least I hoped it would. All in all, I thought I did a pretty

good job of covering my ass considering how badly I’d stuck my foot in my mouth.

But what I hadn’t taken into account with my bullshit of a story was the hidden

Sherlock Holmes in my uncle Rick.

No doubt my uncle Rick, as

evidenced by his actions, could smell the bullshit spewing out of my mouth about

joining the air force and after weeks of his persistent questioning and

miscellaneous phone calls, my feel good story slowly started to unravel. I don’t

remember if it was one particular lie or the accumulation of many that finally did

me in but what I do remember is not being able to weasel my way out of it, though I

gave it a shot anyways. When I was finally confronted about my atrocious deceit and

overwhelmingly selfish behavior, I shamefully and humiliatingly confessed to my

uncle I had lied, after I had been caught of course, while lying about why I had

lied. Who did he think he was anyways, the godfather...aka...Marlin Brando?

Although in reality, he was my legal godfather.

The more and more I thought

about where my dead end life was headed and what I wanted from it, the more

intrigued I became about joining the armed forces…for real this time. My warped and

scheming mind was in full throttle as I began to imagine all the ways an

organization such as the army could benefit me and all of my greedy ambitions. The

army could definitely give me the instant respect and gratitude I needed in order

for me to accomplish the only real goal I ever had in my pitiful life. To become

rich so I could win the affection of a woman I loved.

I never wanted to join the

armed forces so I could serve my country or to become a better person like many of

my fellow countrymen and women have done throughout our nation’s storied history. I

only wanted to enlist so I could serve myself. By the time I decided to follow

through with it and actually enlist, I had already schemed up a dastardly and money

making plan to become rich which just so happened to require the involvement of the

United States army, Chicago Bear’s Hall of Fame middle linebacker Mike Singletary,

billionaire Walter Annenberg, a catholic priest, and me.